a word

lots of folk around the Land of Blog are declaring their 'word' for 2011. i've no idea where i first read of this practice, but now it seems a popular alternative to those much-maligned Resolutions (insert ominous music here).

i've never been a fan of New Year celebrations. no idea why. i think partly it was the obligation to go out on New Year's Eve and get stupid. i may have mentioned my hermitish inclinations...those aren't new.

so of course, i never made Resolutions either...they just got lumped in with all the foolishness and i opted out on principle. i also had a fairly good grasp on the fact that i'd likely be setting myself up for failure. which isn't meant to sound as self-defeating as it does....it's just a side-effect of Perfectionism -- "Set lofty goals that will be extraordinarily difficult to achieve, and then self-flagellate mercilessly when the inevitable falling-short occurs." OR "Set lofty goals that will be extraordinarily difficult to achieve and then avoid trying altogether for fear of aforementioned falling-short/failure."


happily, i am now a recovering Perfectionist. it's been almost a year now since my last fit of Perfectionism. it really does get easier. ;)

i skipped doing my 'word' last year....perhaps i had some inner knowledge that 2010 was going to KICK MY ASS so i didn't bother. mind you, i also wasn't really blogging much at the turn of 2009 so that might have had something to do with it. which, is something worth thinking about in and of itself.

so yeah, 2010 has been a corker. personally and familialy (new word) it has been a rollercoaster ride of extremes. some incredible highs and some really awful lows. {note: i don't do retrospectives either}. so i'm really, really hoping that 2011 is going to be a kinder, gentler year. according to what i've read about The Year of the Rabbit...it should be a welcome breather from the trials of the Tiger.

i think, even globally, 2010 has been one of huge shifts. and of course there's all that 2012 malarky floating about.....(cue the third apocalypse in my memory)...i'm more inclined to align myself with the school of thought that has it representing a spiritual/cultural shift rather than the planet going supernova...and i think the undercurrents of that are already beginning.

but, i wax philosophical. i also digress. you've all probably scrolled down looking for my damn word...:)

so here it is......

ENGAGE

verb

1.. To promise or pledge one's self; to enter into an obligation; to become bound; to warrant. [1913 Webster]

2. To embark in a business; to take a part; to employ or involve one's self; to devote attention and effort; to enlist; as, to engage in controversy. [1913 Webster]

3. to occupy attention of....absorb, capture, attract, catch, hold [2004, Oxford]

4. To enter into conflict; to join battle; as, the armies engaged in a general battle. [1913 Webster]

5. (Mach.) To be in gear, as two cogwheels working together. [1913 Webster]

i had thought of a different word first...and now i can't even remember what it was...and then this one popped into my head and i knew it was The One.

i have this tendency to drift in the Elsewhere...my mind wanders off and staying Present is not a natural tendency for me so this is enough of a challenge and i'm very interested to see where it will take me. i still feel i have a lot of soul-work to do (hence #5) and i have some little seeds of ideas that will cover #2...and of course, #1 is the whole point of adopting a word-mantra for the year.

oh - and i'll share again my mom's superstition about new year's day -- howsoever you spend that day, will set the tone for the whole year -- so...no laundry or housework, no arguments, no ill-feelings....so be sure to get that all out today and spend tomorrow following your bliss :)

so long, 2010 -- i hereby release you and all your woes to the wild  wind.....

many blessings everyone -- i hope 2011 brings you much love, laughter and Light...

xoxox

ps. and if the Universe loves me, the Jane Austen movie marathon will be on PBS again tonight as it was last year -- BEST new years' eve EVER {i know, right? i'm a total nerd} :)

how it was

it was...

busy. really busy. okay, maybe not so busy by regular-people standards...but for us slightly-hermity, difficult-transitiony, move-through-life-at-our-own-Zen-pacey type people...well, let's just say we are very glad it's over for another year. we paid our last visit yesterday and it was most enjoyable....but yes, it's over. *phew*

medieval knight costume from Grandma L.

he's very difficult to photograph when he's "in character"
oh, and he's actually a pirate, not a Knight...(he's workshopping new material)

there were more than a few declarations of this being "the BEST Christmas EVER!!" from the Shiny Ones...Savannah was orbiting the Earth several times in delight over her gifts. there was clear evidence of people really getting her this year....thoughtful choices that pleased her to no end, because being understood, i am discovering,  is very, very important to her. but then again, don't we all like to feel understood?

relaxing between social obligations...colouring book and 'Beezus and Ramona' on audio-CD

and speaking of being understood...my Beloved, B knocked me three miles sideways and made me cry with his so-very-thoughtful gifts. we hadn't planned on really exchanging gifts this year - -money  has been tight and we wanted to channel our available funds into gifts for the children -- but he (and his trusty sidekick, Savannah) got his hands on a flyer from an arts-supply store that i'd dreamily doodled hearts around things i'd loved to have had and made a couple of my wishes come true.

 i know, right?

it wasn't so much the paints or the canvasses or the artist pencils, as it was me feeling well and truly loved. this journey of mine back into art and creativity has been a rocky one -- i've wrestled with the Shoulds and the Shouldn'ts of Motherhood vs. Creativity (finally realizing that is doesn't have to be a versus thing at all --- i know, you're thinking "Duh!"-- but hey, i had baggage..) and to have my heart's desire not only accepted, but supported and encouraged by my Dearest Loves...well...you can understand the happy sobbing. 

and then there were the shrieks of delight and the fierce hugs of the girl-child who only wanted a Nintendo DS but ended up with the DSi XL -- (yeah, i didn't know the difference either) and quietly corrects anyone who calls it just a DS (and yup, that one made me cry too!) and Sebastian hugging every new item close to his chest and proclaiming 'thank you VERY much' to the air...

*sigh*

relaxing with a new book (no, she doesn't need glasses, she's hiding from the camera)

yes, i do believe it was the BEST Christmas EVER!

not a lot, but certainly enough.

the solstice was...

camera refusing to use flash=blurry photos

rather tiring.

there were/are odd energies flying about, methinks, and i found the whole experience rather exhausting. i was awake and restless during the eclipse but unable to actually see it. so added to my series of restless nights, i'm thoroughly knackered.

but, there was...

a new scarf for Sebastian and a new wooly hat for B

a framed painting of mine for Savannah....

and books of paper airplane design and science experiments; a sticker books and a colouring book

Beauty and the Beast and Earth and The Silver Stallion...

and warmth and candle-light and a lovely roast chicken dinner.

but probably the best present of all was Savannah regaining her confidence on the back of a patient spotted pony named Lucy. she was grinning from ear-to-ear throughout the whole lesson and it confirmed for me that we did the right thing to move her to this much more nurturing and Real place.

and so...we're almost at Christmas. it's sort of hurry-up-and-wait at this point...a tiny bit of wrapping left, some nibbles to prepare for our Christmas Eve soiree tomorrow...but mostly i've shut down the busy-factory and encouraging kindness to ourselves.

wishing you all the very best of the season...much laughter, Light and joy...i'll see you all on the other side ;)

~m.

sunday...again

where has the time gone?

my current outlet for stress...origami is highly addictive (no scrap of paper is safe)

painting

"peace serpents"  (a Savannah original-concept)

running in with tidbits about deer stampedes

chess

origami

on the phone to Laiba in Pakistan

snow-play

wrapping

writing

meltdowns and hysteria (sometimes even the children)

secrets in the cupboard

headaches and sore tummies

'the christians and the pagans' ;)

visiting

baking

cleaning (not even close to being done that yet)

poetry

knitting (all major projects finished...wooot!)

new movies

a solar system

Black Beauty audio-CD

.....and lots of deep breaths and cuddles.

it's truly difficult to hang onto peaceful life at this time of year.  desperately i'd like to cocoon us in a fortress of solitude...but at the same time, we enjoy (mostly) the hustle and bustle of family and going and doing....

~*~

i'm not one for retrospectives and cringe at the thought of 'resolutions'.... but i am ruminating on some intentions for 2011....an aspect of which i've started over here.. it struck me as a most delightful project and one i intend to continue on past the month of January.

but for now...it's one day to the next until Xmas....and i don't mind admitting, i'll be glad when it's all over. ;)

sunday musings

(something to listen to you while you visit)

a strange week...not entirely wonderful, not entirely horrific either.  (my Nanna is getting better...gaining strength daily...many thanks for your assorted kindnesses)

so it's been a week of reflection, of counted blessings and deeper thought on what this time of year really means for us.  it's also been a week of arguing and fighting and tears and temper and cuddles and proclamations of love.

handmade history hanging on our beautiful tree

yep. we've about covered it all.

Bashy's Solstice gift...a mini-version of B's scarf from last year

some of it i'll blame on (my)hormones...some of it i'll blame on the stresses that come with this season (and they do come, no matter how hard we try to maintain that state of inner peace and Presence)....some of it i'll blame on me not keeping all of the important stuff in perspective....and helping my Shinies do the same.

but let us not dwell on that which we cannot change. instead, we're moving forward, with new perspectives and new delights.

a gift from distant Devon....handmade JOY!

it's a rainy Sunday morning. i got up extra early so that i could hit the 24-hour Wal-Mart to finish up a few odds and ends of shopping...stocking stuffers for extended family and whatnot.  (may i just mention how much i loathe that place?). i stopped in to get the newspaper and coffee for my Beloved B....just so he wouldn't have to go out in the drizzle when he woke up (that's just how much i *heart* him) and i'm sitting here with the tree lights twinkling in the early grey light, sipping my coffee and sinking deep into the peace.

the fruits of Savannah's and Auntie B's baking labours -- choccie-dipped cherry mice!

i know, right? :)

i wish i could articulate the swirling of thoughts and emotion in my head and heart. i wish i could share how blessed i feel to have a warm house and food on our table -- i know we don't have a lot, but we surely have enough.

it's been a difficult year -- financially and emotionally -- but i feel happier in all things than i remember ever feeling.  perhaps it's the whittling down....the simplifying....the realizing of what truly matters.

life is good. really good.

tuesday and wednesday

full days this last while.....knitting, crafting, writing, playing, baking.....

our gift tag making evolved into Chrimbly card making. we don't *do* cards, as such -- but we thought we'd whip up a few for our immediate family members.

Sebastian *reads* me the crocodile story while i'm working in the kitchen....

taking up more or less permanent residence on the table....

makin' lava cakes...(yep, from A Box)

oh, yeah...they were realllllly goooooood!

in happy news - the car is back....complete with a new (to us) starter -- for much less than we'd dreaded imagined. we are soooo thankful for that.

in not-so-happy-but-then-happy-news -- my Nanna was taken to hospital today. i got a call at work from my dad -- she'd been admitted because of severe dehydration. she'd had tummy bug since Monday and wasn't drinking enough fluids to counteract the diarrhea she was experiencing. i'd spoken to my Gramps about that just last night...about how important it was for her to drink.  three bags of IV fluids, blood tests and an x-ray later and she was sent home. phew! so she's on the mend....and we are EXTREMELY thankful for that! it was a very worrying day. any thoughts/prayers/candles/wishes for her continued good health would be very much appreciated. :)

and as such...i'm utterly exhausted....time for a cup of tea and a bit of quiet reading.

remember to hug your loved ones extra tight....

december 5 (a retrospective)

from the Countdown to Chrimbly...

make home-made gift tags!


and so we did. recycling the vast collection of old holiday cards that i've been hoarding saving for a wonderful purpose...

the during:

the end-result:

'twas most satisfying.....

in other news...i'm knitting 'til my eyes cross and my hands seize into knots. our noble steed decided it just wanted a day-and-a-half rest and decided to start yesterday afternoon right after B had called CAA to arrange a tow.  perhaps it just wanted to trundle to the mechanic on it's own speed....

now it's fingers and toes crossed for Nothing Major and Fairly Inexpensive...which of course is laughable because trips to the mechanic are both Major and Expensive by default.

soundtrack sunday....

he's gone from us now...but his message is timeless....

~wishing you peace~

december 4

day 4 of our Countdown to Chrimbly....

use up the Blockbuster gift cards from last year -- movies and snacks = movie night!!


alas, our faithful steed - ye olde automobile - having battled courageously on these last weeks with a dodgy distributor cap, decided that it had done it's part and now needs mechanical attention.  (it always packs it in on a weekend) which meant a very cold bike ride to work for me this morning (i'm too cheap to take the bus unless the weather is horrific) and no trip to the movie store.

but we had just borrowed Santa Paws from Nanna so we watched that instead. we made a lovely roast pork dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans and pretended we were snowed in.

i'll refrain from a review -- suffice it to say, Savannah LOVED it and we must be more lenient in our tastes when it comes to holiday fare ;).  it was cute. cheesy, but cute.  ahem. i'm a "It's a Wonderful Life" and (the original) "Miracle on 34th Street" fan, myself -- and of course "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and "The Muppet Family Christmas" are also huge favourites....

how about you? what are your holiday favourites?

catching up...

somehow, December arrived when i wasn't looking...the fact that it fell on a Wednesday (the day i work all day) probably had something to do with it's stealthy approach.

however.

contrary to my usual policy of 'nothing remotely Chrimbly-ish until December 1st'- the very fact it fell on a Wednesday meant Savannah's well-argued point won out and we got some of the decorations out on Tuesday...

we also have a policy of preferring handmade decorations to those store-bought -- so the old crafted masterpieces are placed first....if there's any room left, a few other choice pieces get some air-time.

Savannah is the Queen of Decorating....she spontaneously crafts all December long and we are festooned with new brilliance almost daily. she's even decorated around Tyler's bean-bag.

i was also caught napping with our Countdown to Chrimbly....although it didn't really matter because the first order of business was decorating the house. (check)

we usually don't get our tree until much closer to Solstice but Savannah is lobbying hard to get it a little earlier -- i see her  point -- there were hardly any left when we went last year and we ended up with a darling Charlie Brown version....so i met her halfway and we'll go next weekend.

and our pile of craft to-do's is looming ominously large...i think i over-estimated both my skill and speed at knitting....

but other than that -- i'm resolved to a no-stress holiday season...i REFUSE to be sucked into any sort of high drama or consumerist agitation. OH..which reminds me, sort of -- postal JOY the other day when the hand-puppets i ordered for Sebastian from here arrived.....they are FANTASTIC (he's gonna love 'em) -- i strive to give as much in the way of hand-made items...and if i can't make it myself, i'm happy to support those who do.

sorta balances out the over-packaged, plasticky, crap they'll never play with....oh? did i say that out loud?

water flowing around the rocks....

this rambling, barely coherent post brought to you by the mama who's been awake since 2am with the (almost-new)moon-buzzing boy-child....*sigh*


ps. i'm working myself up to telling the tale of one of my all-at-once best and worst parenting moments...

i don't like Mondays....

Simba...in repose

this about sums up our Monday.

too much of everything on the weekend and trying to do too much more of it this morning led to three very crabby people (B was off dealing with other sorts of crabby people so was thankfully immune)....it all came to a very grumpy head when we set off for our dog walk...something none of us really fancied doing in the first place.

now we're a tell-it-like-it-is-go-right-ahead-and-express-yourself sort of family. which gets rather interesting when we're all in a grouch.

deep breaths, cups of tea and peanut-butter and honey sandwiches can do wonders to soothe the savage soul.

and just resting.

 it's amazing how one's outlook changes after a couple of hours of not being very busy at all.

soundtrack sunday....

the music that has accompanied my walking meditations as of late...the kind the draws the poetry from the depths of the Dreaming....




Lorenna McKennitt - The Old Ways  ~ for the licensing-challenged...;)

our days this last are filled to the delicious brim with -- art and poetry....mail art, ornaments for a Chrimbly* tree in Texas; a mama sifting through her dreams and the wide-eyed wonder of the untarnished as the first snow flies...

what they aren't filled with is photographs because the camera batteries died and i've yet to buy more....

later, perhaps.

~blessings

*the most delectable term - Chrimbly - unashamedly thieved from the equally delectable Earthenwitch....

happiness is...

the Pony Club 'D' workbook...

doing a quiz...under the watchful eye of Prof. Malcolm

she has read and quizzed her way through the entire thing.....in two days....

relentless in the pursuit of her bliss

suh-weet.

(the actual testing isn't until March...i'm pretty sure she'll have it down by then)

thankful thursday

mmmm....so many things....

hot coffee on a cold morning

the wild wind

the taste of poetry

friends

"Pony Club Power"

my hot weiner-bottle (aka Oscar, a small but delightfully toasty sausage)

ideas

inspiration

giggles from the boy-child

painting

mail art

the infinite imagination of a small girl

full hearts

full bellies

warmth

shelter from the storm

'i'll read to you and then you read to me" 

learning with joy

love....always

happy Thanksgiving to my American friends...may you find warmth, joy and laughter in the company of your beloved -- today and every day.

*playing along with the beautiful Leslie

tuesday was...

warm...

then cold.

walking meditation in the wild wind...searching for the words that darted just out of reach.

paper and scissors and glue

readying the envelopes for our Countdown to Chrimbly (details to follow)

poetry

Jump Start

reading aloud

thoughts of painting....and then painting...

big-ass paper waiting for my latest BIG masterpiece. Sebastian modelling for size perspective

eraser crumbs

toast crumbs

three cups of tea

tacos for dinner

playing with our food

dried-up carrots and motley apples...good for ponies...and food-art (the clementines and peppermints are just visiting)

it was a difficult day.

this side of the full moon leaves me feeling rather drained....it's a time when i want to retreat and not do much. i had a poem that wanted writing and a painting wanting paint but both were an effort and the feeling like i *ought* to be doing either was grating on my nerves.

i may have been a bit snippy.

grace and gratitude. such were the mantras of my day.

it always looks different in hindsight.

what happened on Sunday

you know how you just Know when something is a Good Thing?

it's that deep intuitive - YES! *insert fist pump into air* -- or maybe it's more of a calm and breathy moment of exhale-and-immerse in the Rightness of it all.

yesterday was our first foray into a Pony Club event....they have monthly education sessions during the fall and winter months.  the older, more experienced kids will teach the youngers or sometimes an *expert* is called in....it's all very hands-on and full of enthusiastic lust-for-interest-led-learning. which, in and of itself, turns my crank.

but the best thing about yesterday....in light of our current challenges...was the way my sweet, sweet, oh-so-reserved girl was the first to volunteer to try to put on a shipping bandage, how she was all answering-of-questions and wielding-of-hoofpicks, how she was right in there and oh, so HAPPY. (cue misty-eyed mama).

what a different world. such warm, welcoming people -- a barn that looks like a barn -- no pretensions, long-maned, shaggy-coated ponies; farm kitchens, don't-worry-about-your-shoes and please-come-we'll-find-her-something-to-ride.

and so we've arranged with one of the older girls - the lovely Allie - to take Savannah on as a student - where there's a shaggy, spotted pony that is Just Her Size who will help her rebuild the confidence that has been so heartbreakingly shaken.

after much discussion and affirmation that it's okay-if-she-doesn't-want-to, we've established that Savannah is desperately keen to carry on....and we were looking for the best way to help her do just that.

this change feels so very Right.

our girl, it seems, has found her Tribe.

soundtrack sunday

okay...not a song. but so very worth thinking about.....



learn more  here.

we have affirmed....will you?

when good haircuts go bad

funny thing happened yesterday.

i suppose it's one of those childhood rites of passage things....you know, those horror stories recounted with glee at family gatherings when the involved parties are decades older.

i suppose it was only a matter of time.

i should preface this by saying this is another one of those Truth in Advertising posts where i don't gloss over the gory details.

it was early evening and the kids and i had just returned from a visit with my mom and dad, B wasn't yet home from his day of running around various court-houses and law-firms doing assorted legally-paperworkish things....i was settling in with a cuppa for a bit of blog-reading and the kids were downstairs playing quietly.

that, Dear Reader, is when my maternal antennae should have been all a-quiver. "quietly". clearly, i was tired/couldn't be bothered/thankful for the peace.

Sebastian suddenly materialized beside me wearing assorted stickers on his face and wrapped up in twine. not unusual in itself, they have a rather strange dynamic at times, these two cherubim of mine.  but this latest escapade of attire could not disguise the fact that Savannah had evidently decided his hair needed a bit of a trim ("It was getting in his eyes!"). which he did. i just hadn't got around to it.

(photo taken this morning) 

here's where i'd like to say i handled it with the cool, calm and thoroughly Zen attitude of a more enlightened mother who of course realizes, It's just hair, She's expressing her independence, It's of little importance in the Grand Scheme of Things, Bashy doesn't mind, It doesn't look that bad....and other such  wisdoms. and there's also the monumental irony of her dreadlocks which some people would consider the epitome of Hair Crimes and view with downright revulsion...and not only have i supported her decision but also aided and abetted their creation. what kind of mother am i?

but this is my baby boy.

and his beautiful golden hair.

after i attempted to make it even, he looked less like a victim of a nuclear accident but it really, really, really bugged me. really.

and i told Savannah so.

and i forbid her to EVER do anything like that again.  (amongst other recriminations that i don't even remember in my moment of angst over the hairdo).  all of which i felt horrible about after having time to calm down.

so what's the deal?  who was that person who reared her authoritarian head and FREAKED OUT over a bad haircut?

alas, it seems i still have vestiges of the Curse Of Caring What Other People Think.

which really sucks because i thought i'd risen above that. i mean, i do rise above that -- on a daily basis, even. and to think i had a moment  (okay, several) over something as superficial as hair. ugh.

maybe it had something to do with my own baggage about bad haircuts. one too many during high school...

but mostly it's got me thinking.  i'll let you know what i come up with. if anything.

ps. Savannah is utterly cool with the whole thing, she regarded my freak-out with much bemusement. she is clearly more enlightened than i. and yes, i apologized for getting crabby and saying ridiculous things.

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

joining in with SouleMama

thankful thursday

quiet mornings

green tea

the crunch of leaves underfoot

oil pastels

sisterhood

words on paper

blue eyes

conversation

down time

feather pillows

dinosaur pajamas...

and you?

borrowed from the lovely Leslie......

ideas

a really cool snippet from one of the most interesting voices in education reform that i've heard speak in quite some time. while he always seems to stop short of actual solutions....i find he's quietly affirming that we unschooly/life-learny types might actually be onto something...



go figure.

(sorry for any copyright issues with viewing....here's the actual YouTube link..if it helps)

chess for breakfast

i watched for a while but couldn't quite decipher what their rules were...if there were any.

but that's okay. they were thoroughly engrossed, not arguing and i got to drink my coffee in blessed peace.

life is good this Tuesday morning.

celebrating the Love along with Stephanie...

what does Love look like for you today?

"there are plenty of sticks in the sea"

unseasonably warm temperatures and the satisfying weight of my toasted egg sandwich and coffee in my tummy, led me to the magnanimous decision early this morning, that it should be a day of Going Out. what that entailed exactly wasn't entirely clear, but Savannah helpfully suggested a walk down to the stream.

first, of course, we had to walk the dogs -- not so much for the exercise as for the bribery factor ie. "please don't pee on the rug (emma) or chew up the crayons (tyler) or raid the halloween stash (oscar) in spite while we go somewhere without you."

i could tell by halfway through the dog walk that Sebastian was not in a good fettle. i kept my maternal Knowings to myself however, so that i wouldn't come off like the Harbinger of Doom to Savannah who by now was rather excited about our upcoming adventure.

after our lengthy doggy hike (we did the entire bike path for extra insurance against canine retaliation) we stopped at the house long enough to drop them off (with further bribes of peanut-butter-smeared dog biscuits) and for me to pack our backpack with a few essentials...our blanket for sitting on, drinks and snacks and my journal - both written and art - should it turn into a long-job. at this point, Sebastian was quite keen.

it was a lovely leafy walk down past the cemetery...there was much jumping and cavorting about the leaf piles and i happily thought i'd been premature in my assessment of Bashy's mood. (now would be a good time to draw your attention to the fabulous stick specimen that he had first picked up on our dog walk - it's a 'doubler' and just the right height for pointing while he walks).

so all was well...i wandered around snapping idle photos and the kids busied themselves throwing stones and poking around in the leaf piles.  if not for the hum of the highway across the hill, we could have imagined ourselves somewhere less.....highway-ish.

now, i could just end here....i could do the 'buffed and glossed' version of our day -- as i'm usually tempted to do. my new blogging policy, however, involves full disclosure. you see, i've found that the blogs i like to read the most, are the ones that don't necessarily buff and polish -- they have that refreshing breath of reality...so here's what else happened:

~ i stepped in dog poo
~ a daddy-long-legs was fatally wounded between the pages of my journal
~Savannah got her treasured sneakers covered in stream-slime
~ she also felt something prickling her, looked at her sweater only to discover she was covered in...(and i quote)  "earwig butts" -- cue histrionics.  they were actually burr-type things that really did resemble, in the quiet aftermath of their removal, the pincer-end of an ear-wig
~ Sebastian had had enough long before his sister did and an exasperating battle of wills took place before she eventually conceded that she was cold and her feet were slightly wet and she didn't want Sebastian to have to stay any longer (he had already agreed to two extensions).

and then...


we left without his stick.

but he didn't realize that until we were three-quarters of the way home.

at which point he came to a halt.  now anyone who truly knows Sebastian knows these silent protests for what they are -- he's genuinely troubled and doesn't really know how to proceed.  he's not having a tantrum and he's not being belligerent. he's just not sure.

most of the time, this centers around transitioning from one thing/place to another. when he was younger, it often included crying and a tantrum.

on this occasion however, i imagine he was torn between wanting his stick and wanting to go home.

and so we walked on.

and on.

we were hoping our disappearing into the distance would prompt him into moving. (he's not inclined to budge if you stand there waiting for him - a fact which proves problematic in crowded, public places --- he needs the time and that's that.)

but then his sister, his beloved sister - walked back down the path to try and convince him to join us....

she told him..."there are plenty of other sticks in the sea"

of course, this would be a delightfully dramatic and poignant way to end the story -- and i did briefly consider it. (see aforementioned policy). although i have  left out the silent and sometimes-not-so-silent stream of profanity i unloaded on myself for not remembering to pick up his stick before we left.








in the end we hid behind a tree until he wondered where we'd gone and ambushed him when he went past. at which point we each took an arm and escorted him home.

that, dear reader, is exactly what Going Out looked like around here today.

true story.

soundtrack sunday....

not that this is going to be a regular thing...i mean, why set myself up for the pressure, right?...but my FEARLESS leader, Connie, hooked me up to this guy (don't tell Bono, but Mr.Franti is my new boyfriend)...

and it's a grey and dreary day here...so who can't use a little sunshine? and eye candy...

 (ahem)

happy sunday, my friends...

so what's the point?

so many half-formed thoughts on things i'd like to write about.....this week has seen waves of synchronicity buffeting me about.

my blogging  history is somewhat dodgy at best...i went from daily diatribes to dwindling off to packing it in altogether. something about feeling *required* to post -- even though that was ludicrously self-imposed -- put me off. add to that, a general world-weariness with the 'mommy-blogger' set and i went off in a huff.

a view from my ride to work on Wednesday

and it didn't help that i'd divided myself into three parts - this unschooly-themed blog, my arty efforts blog and another, more navel-gazing one which no longer exists in the public realm. i suppose the effort (yes, enormous, it was) to keep them all going eroded my enthusiasm.

i have a love-hate thing with blogging. i've come dangerously close to hitting Ye Olde Delete button many a time - existential crisis mostly...or paranoia over who might be reading...or rebellion against all the Other Unschooling Mother's who appear to be doing a better job than i am.

which, of course, is bullshit.

so i've wended my way to something of a disgruntled delight in the act of blogging -- having completely reframed my perspective. it's disgruntled only because i was sure i was done with the whole thing and had just got comfortable with my righteous indignation. i'm sure the disgruntlement will wear off in time.

all set to go to The Royal Winter Fair 

so this will become more than 'just' our family unschooling blog.

i am more than the way i parent, and more than the devastating charm of my children -- although they are much to do with the space i occupy now. i'm not entirely sure how or in what ways, it will be more....but i know that i'm bored with posting pictures of what we do during a week....and occasionally frantic that the photographic lack will illustrate that we sometimes accomplish very little. (that can be documented by photos, of course)

i am content in the notion that the very few people who read regularly will perhaps become even fewer. but i am also quite content with the notion that whether or not anyone actually reads, i still have the odd interesting thing to say. that's a pretty huge revelation for me.

it's about fearlessness.

and being fearless has to start somewhere.

journey to dread...

not as dire as it might sound!

the lovely Rose has asked for some pictures* of the ongoing event that are Savannah's dreadlocks...

we're about two months in now....a work-in-progress (the mama's hands and arms ache and the child's sitting-still-ability factor dictates how long our maintenance sessions last). the weaving in of the loose and fly-away hairs seems to be the only maintenance she requires now....most of the 'locks having formed nicely. i chose to do numerous slender 'locks because she has fine hair and is a wee pixie of a child....

last session i wove some ribbon and embroidery floss into a select few -- partly as decorative inspiration, partly to assist the natural locking. there's also a few wooden beads in there somewhere.

i started them by back-combing but now use a combo of that and crocheting to tighten them up. live and learn. no products used, though.  she washes them once a week with Dr.Bronner's shampoo....which works well to help the tightening/tangling.

she is madly in love with her dreads (as am i) -- and is officially the coolest kid in our neighbourhood (my slightly biased opinion), although her Auntie A was also most admiring of them at the party yesterday....

roll on spring and it's my turn...

*she is a most elusive creature and so i must apologize for the quality of these photos as they were taken guerilla-style as she played at the park. she has promised to let me snap some better photos after our next maintenance session.

happy 40th....

...Mom and Dad!!

photo cake -- they look so young....

we managed to pull off a surprise party yesterday....a combination 40th wedding anniversary (today) and my dad's 60th birthday (later this month)....

a surprise party is no small feat where my mother is concerned...but we did it! (high fives to me and my siblings)

'twas a grand event....and i'd post more pictures but my camera died after i'd taken the shots of the cake. :)

life with horses

B and i decided when the children were still only tiny, that we wouldn't push our horsey life on them. we wouldn't assume that they'd follow in our footsteps...and, in fact, moved away from that life altogether. granted, it took B's accident to prompt him to move away - there really wasn't a choice -- but the important thing was that if either one was to choose to have horses in their life, it was to be a choice freely made.

some time last autumn, Savannah decided she'd like to take riding lessons.  we asked her to wait until spring -- who wants to learn to ride in a Canadian winter? -- also to be sure it's what she really wanted..and not just a passing whim.

java -- naughty pony

fast forward to this autumn, and she's been taking weekly lessons since May.  it's all gone very well and she is,  genuinely and without bias (mostly), a natural talent.  her lesson time changed to Thursday evenings about two months ago, and since that's my evening to work, B has been taking her.  last night a shift cancellation meant i could take her and was very much looking forward to seeing how things have progressed.

but she's had a rough few weeks. she's been thrown twice in the last month - once it was unavoidable and she weathered it well, but the second time it was a ridiculous situation she was placed in where poor judgement on her instructor's part had the pony taking off at a smart gallop and although she almost stayed on, in the end, she fell off. that one, rattled her.  now, she tells me on Wednesday night, she's afraid to trot.

*sigh*

so what does a mother do?  there is a very real element in this horsey life that absolutely requires a measure of toughness. there's no pussy-footing around. she fell off and she will fall off again. ponies will bugger off; they'll buck; they'll do all manner of fiendish things. it's just a part of life with horses.  how to communicate that to her without making it sound like a 'suck it up' speech. when really, that's what it is.

looking very serious -- note the size difference between pony and (beginner) rider :(

so we drew some cards.

and the lessons to be learned there were simple but powerful.  i explained to her that the reason she was frightened was because she had forgotten. she had forgotten her own strength; she had forgotten that even though she was scared when she fell off the last time, she got back on. and i talked about how her pony would pick up on her feelings and that she needed to remember to keep her *heart balance* -- which is an over-simplified explanation of being calm and centered.

nevertheless, she was terrified. she was reluctant to trot and her pony picked up on that. so the poor assistant instructor had to run beside them to keep the little effer going (i'm not a fan of this pony -- he's naughty and he's a cheat....but i digress)...all the while, i hear Savannah whimpering and on the verge of tears.  oh, how i did not want to be one of Those Mothers -- you know the ones...the over-involved, bossy types that don't respect the boundaries of the teacher/instructor/coach-student relationship -- but when it got to the point where her coach was apparently intent on trying to push her through her fear rather than address it, i stepped in. i gave her a little pep talk and reminded her of needing to remember her *balance*....and the lesson ended much better than it started and she felt good about how things finished.

but we're also exploring other options. i went to a meeting afterwards of the local Pony Club chapter -- having just signed her up.....it's a whole different dynamic than the typical 'show stables' and will give her a better practical knowledge and skills of horsemanship rather than just the part where you're riding around.  it will also give us a network to find a place where there are ponies that aren't too big for the children riding them and....eventually, a pony of her own.

before all that though, she still needs to defeat the Java Monster.

tuesday

Sebastian was awake at 4am.  the new moon is just around the corner...i have no other explanation, really. B had insomnia and slept less than four hours. i got up at 5 am, after having dozed while listening to the boy singing along with a DVD.

i had an 11 am appointment at the bank -- discussions of consolidation, an effort to simplify debt.  evidently you're not to be helped if you don't own a home.  which is fine.  we'll carry on as we were...i refuse to believe the cornerstone of success lies in brick and mortar. it's in the banks' best interest, after all, to keep you owing.

and so, when the menfolk lay themselves down for an afternoon nap and Savannah was outside playing,  i went down to the art cave and i painted.

painted away the doubt...which wasn't hard...the doubt clings less these days. it's rather more a half-hearted attempt to bring us back under the umbrella of the Busy World. i have absolute faith that things will turn out just fine.

it isn't finished yet. i still have to do something with the hands. this week we're painting a memory....siphoning emotion onto the paper. and it reminded me that true success in life, as in painting, requires us to be fearless.

what if....

every day.....

you got to stay at the Art Station.....as long as you wanted.

and you got to play computer games...as long as you wanted....

and recess came whenever you felt too big for the house so you pull on your sneakers and run out without your coat. then you tear around the tree and jump in huge piles of leaves until your nose runs and your cheeks are red and you almost wish you'd remembered your coat...almost.

~*~

what if, when we were growing up, there wasn't someone telling us to move to the next station (even though our painting wasn't done yet and we didn't like the play-house)? how would our lives be different now?

what if, The Experts didn't scare us with the evils of computer games and how they're eroding the minds and souls of our children (even though when given free access and steady guidance, our children are capable of making balanced choices)? could we accept that computers and games have a place?

what if, children were free to run and explore and experience the wild world around them without being hovered over and organized and lectured? would we still think it's irresponsible to let our kids out of arm's reach?

can you imagine what they might learn?

like shape and form and colour; like the vast power of imagination and our innate gifts of creativity; how you can learn physics and architecture without even realizing it by figuring out where to put the dynamite to demolish the computer-generated model; like how you discover the first frost and why it's on some leaves and not others and you might hypothesize why this is so. and without being told, you're right.

they might even learn that a paintbrush has equal value to an algorithm and a poem is just math in a different format.

all that, and more, before 11 am.

~*~

there are times when i despair that *i* don't know enough or have enough knowledge in some area or other to be responsible for the education of these children. that maybe lesson plans aren't such a bad idea; that maybe there should be more of this or that.

and then i remember that these children are amazing, and that as long as it's fed, their natural curiosity will take them so much farther than any preconceived ideas we might have over what *stuff* we think they should know. that to suppose we can know what lies ahead in the wonder of their lives is a mild form of arrogance. they are, after all, only on loan to us...and not ours to create in our own, or anyone else's image.

such is the beauty and the miracle of this life we are leading.