soul of sunday...slightly tardy

because we can...

;)

joining in over at Ordinary Life Magic....

and so we are free....

greenin' up nicely....

after many more discussions...many more tears (mine and hers)..and a conversation with Angels (excellent advice..thank you Sarah and Jacqui).....we found the source of this sudden interest in school.

{kelly- reading your comment made me smile}

turns out...after having seen all the kids coming  home from school looking so buoyant and joy-filled, she figured she was missing out on a good time.  i gently explained that perhaps they were happy because school was finished for the day....

i let her sit with that awhile.

and then she asked what Sebastian and i  would do when she was at school all day -- i answered, "oh, you know - our usual stuff...." and listed all the things we do, the visits we make, our little adventures....

as she started to cry, i asked her to think of the ways in which she is free...

and she remembered that she's: 

...free to lie in bed and read a whole Junie B.Jones book before getting up in the morning; free to spend two hours on YouTube researching how to play Sims: Medieval; free to check her email umpteen times a day to see if L has sent her a note from Pakistan; free to eat, sleep, play, talk, run, jump, skip, paint, build....whenever and howsoever she chooses.

i didn't sugar coat it....i told her the truth; of how there are some fun things that happen in school, but that fun isn't the point of the exercise. and that the fun stuff that occasionally happens at school, is the stuff we do every day. she hadn't realized that.

{i now have a venomous dislike for the various and assorted ways that 'school' is portrayed on television and in young children's books -- it had been my suspicion that her desire was stemming from a misguided notion of what school is like....seems i was right...grrrrrr}

free-wheelin'

so once our tears were dried, we discussed how she'd like some more "out and about"  {it was a long winter and a very rainy spring} and books she'd like to read and how she's going to save her money to buy the new Sims game now that she has an idea of how to play it {she counted up last night and discovered there was enough -- and so it was ordered}....i showed her Stephanie's blog and how they play a lot of games and maybe she'd like to try that too -- {"oh YES! that looks cool"}

*sigh*

so now i find myself with new appreciation for this life we lead. i'd taken so  much for granted, i suppose -- and to find it all hanging perilously on the verge of upheaval was eye-opening to say the least.

but i'm grateful for the challenge this has been -- emotionally exhausting though it was. it has served to remind me how deeply i value this sweet  freedom we have; and it made me see what a strong and self-possessed child this beautiful girl is growing to be -- and how fiercely i will protect her right to continue on that way -- even when that means the agony of simply trusting her to make good {albeit well-informed} choices.

but it also showed me the scarier side of this right of autonomy -- that they are going to choose to do things we'd much rather they didn't....and i was risking everything i'd ever preached by wanting to take the decision away from her. but how could i not? ugh - it was a wretched conundrum indeed. it wasn't like she was wanting to do a tight-rope walk across Niagara Falls. although i could easily argue an equivalent danger...;)

 in the end though, i realize that this mastering of  the fine art of letting go will be the hardest lesson i'll ever get out of this parenting gig....

so thank you, one-billion-fold, dear friends -- i drew on the love and support you all sent and kept that and your wisdom in my heart as we navigated this part of our journey. i am ever grateful to you all for witnessing this unpleasant bump in our road....

blessings and love to you all....xo

ruminating

thank you, thank you, thank you -- your thoughts and words are a gift to me...

i've been in deep contemplation this last couple of days and i keep going back to my first instinct -- which was to say "no". but i need to know it isn't coming entirely from fear....or a need for control.

*sigh*

i'm reading John Holt {again} -- {i should read him every day} -- and it's helping me recognize the magic that has already happened....i'm unwilling to disrupt the spell.

my biggest fear, though - and Stephanie, you named it -- is that she will lose herSelf.  in my heart i don't think she's strong enough....she's a sensitive soul-- deeply, deeply so -- and let's face it, school is a shark tank. it took her years to overcome what five months of kindergarten did to her. {you're right, Sam - she's 8}

but how to communicate that to her without making her feel a lack -- that i believe there's something wrong with her? i'm painfully aware of how the early messages we hear can inform a lifetime...{an argument against school right there - lol} i also don't want her to think i underestimate her...which perhaps i am.

i still believe that this is coming from a different need -- although i've asked thirty ways to next Tuesday and she insists she wants for nothing. i'll keep digging though....

don't mind me...i'm just thinking out loud...;)

d-evolution

you know, i keep thinking i'm going to stop posting here -- feeling as if i've not a whole lot to share of our days...rambling and feral as they have increasingly become and certainly without a litany of things-we've-done that would be of interest.

but then i stop in for a quick visit and find myself smiling at what i find....and so i come back, especially now - as it represents a place of comfort.

because things are going to change, it seems, as Savannah has expressed a serious interest in going to school.

unfurling...

i know, right?

i'll be honest....i cried. i sat and grieved for a good hour before i could pull myself together enough to join the conversation.

the Green Man waits...

my first, panicked, thought was to say absolutely NO - we don't believe in school. {well, at least i don't - B  can appreciate the philosophy on both sides of the argument} and other parents refuse their children access to things they don't believe in, right? television, candy, religious beliefs...the list goes from the trivial to the deeply personal...

but what kind of life-learning proponent would that make me?

new leaves sprouting...finally

if this is how my child chooses to explore her learning, then i have to respect that and support her and provide her with that outlet. denying her based on my {admittedly biased} beliefs is fundamentally opposed to the whole concept of educational autonomy.

nevertheless, i'm freakin' terrified.

we've had conversations since, about the 'good' and the 'not-so-good'; we've explained how we are not (and never will be) concerned with tests and grades and the other measuring sticks that schools require to monitor the masses -- but we've also made clear that if she chooses this road, then those things will be applied to her. i don't want to demonize school {i don't believe that's fair} but i want her going in there with her eyes wide open.

view from the picnic blanket...art-in-the-park

it's not a done-deal yet - we need to make an appointment with the Principal of the local school -- and i've no idea how they'll take us me. if i sense they aren't receptive to our philosophy - and yes, i realize they aren't required to be - then i may still veto the whole thing. she has come too, too far.....

i'm wracking my brain, trying to find alternatives...wondering if she needs more structure {although she claims not to}. my first instinct was to think i've failed her in some way...that i've not fulfilled her needs sufficiently. so i'm not laying down my sword, just yet...;)

any and all thoughts/suggestion/nuggets of wisdom are welcome....

when good haircuts go bad

funny thing happened yesterday.

i suppose it's one of those childhood rites of passage things....you know, those horror stories recounted with glee at family gatherings when the involved parties are decades older.

i suppose it was only a matter of time.

i should preface this by saying this is another one of those Truth in Advertising posts where i don't gloss over the gory details.

it was early evening and the kids and i had just returned from a visit with my mom and dad, B wasn't yet home from his day of running around various court-houses and law-firms doing assorted legally-paperworkish things....i was settling in with a cuppa for a bit of blog-reading and the kids were downstairs playing quietly.

that, Dear Reader, is when my maternal antennae should have been all a-quiver. "quietly". clearly, i was tired/couldn't be bothered/thankful for the peace.

Sebastian suddenly materialized beside me wearing assorted stickers on his face and wrapped up in twine. not unusual in itself, they have a rather strange dynamic at times, these two cherubim of mine.  but this latest escapade of attire could not disguise the fact that Savannah had evidently decided his hair needed a bit of a trim ("It was getting in his eyes!"). which he did. i just hadn't got around to it.

(photo taken this morning) 

here's where i'd like to say i handled it with the cool, calm and thoroughly Zen attitude of a more enlightened mother who of course realizes, It's just hair, She's expressing her independence, It's of little importance in the Grand Scheme of Things, Bashy doesn't mind, It doesn't look that bad....and other such  wisdoms. and there's also the monumental irony of her dreadlocks which some people would consider the epitome of Hair Crimes and view with downright revulsion...and not only have i supported her decision but also aided and abetted their creation. what kind of mother am i?

but this is my baby boy.

and his beautiful golden hair.

after i attempted to make it even, he looked less like a victim of a nuclear accident but it really, really, really bugged me. really.

and i told Savannah so.

and i forbid her to EVER do anything like that again.  (amongst other recriminations that i don't even remember in my moment of angst over the hairdo).  all of which i felt horrible about after having time to calm down.

so what's the deal?  who was that person who reared her authoritarian head and FREAKED OUT over a bad haircut?

alas, it seems i still have vestiges of the Curse Of Caring What Other People Think.

which really sucks because i thought i'd risen above that. i mean, i do rise above that -- on a daily basis, even. and to think i had a moment  (okay, several) over something as superficial as hair. ugh.

maybe it had something to do with my own baggage about bad haircuts. one too many during high school...

but mostly it's got me thinking.  i'll let you know what i come up with. if anything.

ps. Savannah is utterly cool with the whole thing, she regarded my freak-out with much bemusement. she is clearly more enlightened than i. and yes, i apologized for getting crabby and saying ridiculous things.

journey to dread...

not as dire as it might sound!

the lovely Rose has asked for some pictures* of the ongoing event that are Savannah's dreadlocks...

we're about two months in now....a work-in-progress (the mama's hands and arms ache and the child's sitting-still-ability factor dictates how long our maintenance sessions last). the weaving in of the loose and fly-away hairs seems to be the only maintenance she requires now....most of the 'locks having formed nicely. i chose to do numerous slender 'locks because she has fine hair and is a wee pixie of a child....

last session i wove some ribbon and embroidery floss into a select few -- partly as decorative inspiration, partly to assist the natural locking. there's also a few wooden beads in there somewhere.

i started them by back-combing but now use a combo of that and crocheting to tighten them up. live and learn. no products used, though.  she washes them once a week with Dr.Bronner's shampoo....which works well to help the tightening/tangling.

she is madly in love with her dreads (as am i) -- and is officially the coolest kid in our neighbourhood (my slightly biased opinion), although her Auntie A was also most admiring of them at the party yesterday....

roll on spring and it's my turn...

*she is a most elusive creature and so i must apologize for the quality of these photos as they were taken guerilla-style as she played at the park. she has promised to let me snap some better photos after our next maintenance session.

dirty hippie feet at the park

bare feet in lush, green grass...and sand...you have to expect a bit of dirt.

another impromptu detour to the park -- after picking up a package at the Post Office and the purchase of snacky goodness at the drug store -- SmartFood for Sebastian and Doritos for Savannah -- which naturally taste so much better on an orange blanket under a tree.

Savannah grows weary of the paparazzi...I think she liked it better when the camera wasn't working

and the package? The fruits of our Amazon budget for the month....the audiobook version of the first Harry Potter book and a long-time wishlist resident for me by one of my fave writing gurus, Julia Cameron.

And so I ask myself for the umpteenth time, who wouldn't want to live like this?

long absences...

A camera-on-strike and a not-very-exciting-winter are to blame....spring has sprung, the camera has decided to work again but beyond that, no promises.  Pure randomness is our new theme.

We've played a vast amount of computer games but been a bit light on the crafting...

Five people competing for the use of two computers has presented something of a challenge...we're working on it.

We're proud members of the Pro-Dandelion Movement (pure fiction, as far as I can tell, but one never knows these days) -- enjoying the brilliant yellow-against-green of the early bloomers and the great fun to be had in the blowing about of wishes...

These were all taken on our latest trip to the park on Picnic Tuesday...as we lay on our blanket, feasting on jam sandwiches and blackberries, we felt genuinely sad for all the kids stuck in a classroom on such a gorgeous day.  After a moments' reflection, we went back to our cloud-spotting and burying of bare toes in warm sand.

Life, as they say, is good.

Hair today.....

....gone tomorrow...

After growing her hair out for almost a year...and being royally fed up with the tangles and snarls and the wearing of braids and ponytails in an effort to avoid the tangles and snarls...Savannah announced it was time to get it cut short.

Slightly bedraggled before....

(this is the longest - EVER!)

Impishly cropped and oh soooooooooo adorable...



I know what Nanna will say....there's a family resemblance here...:)

En francais, s'il vous plait...

Two of Sebastian's favourite pastimes...eating pretzels and watching movies on the computer.

Today's fare - PC Multi-grain Alphabet pretzels with an episode or three of Zoboomafoo...

Interestingly - or perhaps unsurprisingly, considering the source, he chose to watch in French....

The Kratt brothers sound nothing like themselves when they speak in French....but it makes the cute one even cuter....